Anyone can write a book that people read. But what about a book that provides even more than that?
Here are my top five non-reading uses for my first book, Eyeblack Odyssey.
1.) Doorstop. Let’s start with the traditional. I have encountered some heavy doors in my day, and a wad of paper towels just isn’t always going to do the trick. You need something thicker, more substantial. You need … Eyeblack Odyssey.
2.) Table evener. Again, this is a traditional use for many books, but that’s no reason to knock the practice. I hate wobbly tables, especially when my beer glass is filled to the brim. With Eyeblack Odyssey, you’ll never have to worry about spilled beer again! (Okay, so that’s not even remotely true, but I’ll still claim it anyway.)
3.) Impressing your friends with feats of strength. It takes a real freak of a mutant to rip apart a phone book (or a 94-year-old?*), so I wouldn’t recommend doing that. But my book, despite its robust 240 pages, is still the kind of thing you should be able to disassemble easily in a drunken rage so that you might impress that special certain someone. I don’t know who that might be (since I have no clue who is impressed by such ridiculous things), but there it is anyway.
* How does this not have 30 million views by now? What the hell?
4.) Deflecting ninja attacks. I haven’t tested this out, per se, but I have little doubt my book can give anyone, even a ninja, a nasty paper cut. That’s enough to stop anyone, even a ninja, dead in his or her tracks (I think).
5.) Taking over the world. I will allow that one might have to actually read the book first to gain any insight from it (and even then, your prospects are shaky), but the truth of the matter is that Eyeblack Odyssey is a source of information, and information is power. Thus, if you have designs on global domination, you need to own this book.