Football season is here!
Because I’m such an all-around great guy, I’ve endeavored to preview your favorite team’s season right here.
Rest assured, this is how things are going to play out.
Curious to see what happens? Read on!
Week 1
Game day is here! The weather is still absurdly warm (hot), but maybe, just maybe, it will cool off enough for you to not pass out from heat exhaustion in your lucky game-day hoodie/sweatshirt/snowsuit.
Nope.
But okay, your tank-top and shorts will work.
You’re so excited, you’re actually watching the preview shows and NOT throwing things at the television. Yes, this will not stand, but for now, you don’t care. Football is back.
The pageantry of the game is on full display at kickoff and you note how you even missed your old friends, the TV commentators as they set the scene.
Five minutes later you’re wondering how you could have ever longed for their inane babbling as you mute the TV when they’ve mispronounced your backup punter’s middle name.
How can they get such simple details so wrong?
Also, any delusions you might have had about dieting this fall are out the window in 0.03 seconds, as you begin to consume your weight in fried food drenched in cheese and regret.
That one piece of celery is really going to make a difference for you though, I can feel it.
But even fighting the stupid heat, the inevitable food coma and whatever awful result you might see on the field, you still can’t help being glad it’s all back. You analyze your team’s performance, seizing on weaknesses that need to be shored up (and probably won’t be), but also taking great stock in the displayed strengths (even though they probably won’t last), and you try to make sense of what you’ve witnessed whilst projecting out how the season will play out.
It won’t go the way you think it will, but you’ll try to guess it out anyway.
Regardless, as you start to doze off after having watched your own game and at least 20 other additional games too, you’re content. All is right in the world.
The first loss
All is wrong in the world.
What the hell did you just watch?
Your prayers went unanswered, and somehow, someway, your team found a way to lose.
(Yes, you actually prayed for the other kicker to shank the field goal, and no, you’re not ashamed of this fact.)
You watched the whole thing (or very nearly did, anyway), never giving up on the team until it was truly over.
But once it was, the game wouldn’t leave you alone.
You go over and over (and over again) what went wrong in your head. Maybe you’re even brave enough to torture yourself with replays and highlights, trying to pinpoint the one thing that can get corrected for your boys to save their season.
You probably come up with a couple of things, but you also can chalk it up to bad luck and/or a bad match-up. It happens, you reason to yourself. And anyway, there’s still plenty of season left. There’s still time to salvage this thing.
You repeat your mantra to yourself: “It’s only a game. It’s only a game.”
You try to watch the “big game of the week” (TM), but you’re only half-interested. Why are there so many commercial breaks?
What else is on? Maybe you should watch The Shawshank Redemption for the 92nd time instead.
The second loss
The end of the world is nigh.
The fog of depression has fully set in, and now you must deal with all of your own personal demons.
That bad decision you made 20 years ago? Let’s deal with it RIGHT NOW.
How can a bouncy oblong football and a bunch of dudes in over-sized shirts do this to you?
They are NOT doing their best. It might be time to think about replacing the coach. Yeah, you only watched the first quarter, but you had seen enough. How can the coaches not see what you’re seeing? You figured out the problems with the team in under 15 minutes. And you’re ready to cure cancer too, if you weren’t so depressed about the state of the world, anyway.
So you do the dishes instead.
See, you’re doing YOUR part to make the world a better place. Why can’t the coach and players do THEIR part?
You have no interest in watching any other games, save that one game where you can root against your rival (but only if they lose).
Your rival losing is your last hope at happiness. If they do lose, you’ll go trolling Twitter and the message boards to see their fans’ misery on full display.
Because if there’s one maxim of being a fan, it’s misery loves company.
The upset victory
YES!!!!!!!!
Life is good again.
All the big plays! I mean, wow!
They ran the stuff you thought they should run and look at what happened!
But now is not the time to gloat about who was right and who was wrong; clearly you were right, the good guys WON, and victory tastes so sweet.
You could get struck by lightning in the next 30 seconds whilst stepping in dog poo and your partner announces that they’re leaving, and none of it would phase you. Cancer diagnosis? Shrug it off. Flat tire? Whistle while you change that sucker. Life is GOOD, mother-fracker.
Also, somehow or another, every team you hate is also losing. What even is this?
Is this real life?
You haven’t watched Sportscenter since 1997, but you’re watching it now, damn it. They’re going to be nice to your team and say nice things about them and you get to relive the glory and … gosh, this is almost sadder than losing, isn’t it?
But you don’t care! Victory! Time to go re-watch the game 20 times. Your adrenaline levels and heart rate won’t allow for sleep anyway.
And Monday? When you get to rub it in the face of that know-it-all pessimist and/or that rival fan (how could anyone even root for that team?), it will sustain you through the rest of the work week.
Time to go play the lotto!
Whooooooooo!
The grind
Shit, there’s a game today? Alright, you turn it on and … dear lord. You have to watch THIS? Gross.
Why is this game lasting five hours? Do these officials hate you personally? It’s personal, isn’t it? Why else would they throw a flag for the sixth time in three plays?
They’re trying to hurt you.
Can football go away, please?
The playoffs (after your team is eliminated)
Why do the grossest teams on the planet always win?
When is your team going to win it all?
Why are there so many commercial breaks?
Can football go away, please?
One week after the season is over
Man, when is football going to come back?